I hate that I love you
by Dr Hot Shot
Summary: He then found Natalie, and now depended on her, trusted her. But it was only a matter of time until she left as well… Yes, he had feelings for her. But he could not, nay; he would not betray Trudy.


It wasn't that he didn't have feelings for her- it was that he couldn't betray his deceased wife of seven years, Trudy. He considered himself a married man; no one could tell him other wise. He couldn't think of anything or anyone until he put down the last piece of the puzzle and solved his wife's murder- even then; he wasn't sure he could 'move on.' Whether that car bomb was meant for him, or Trudy- he'd always feel responsible. That alone, tortured him.

All eyes followed his every move in curiosity as he slowly made his way around the room- he paid acute attention to the detail of every item within it. For those cases which appeared unsolvable- the department sod out Monk for his keen perception and detective prowess. As other officers viewed Monks observations of a crime scene, he was confident his differences brought abilities no other detective could match. In fact, they often saw Monk as there last resort, and though they teased him for all of his differences- he'd gladly give a helping hand when needed, and no one could deny his exceptional results once he finished.

The envy others felt as they watched him didn't keep him going- didn't fill him with pride like it would others. He rarely noticed how talented he truly was when it came to his job. If it wasn't for Trudy and her kind words she had spoken when alive, he wouldn't have kept on going. He continued trying, continued functioning the best he could for Trudy. He couldn't solve her case, so he'd solve every other. Though she wasn't visible through the naked eye, he knew she was always there; he couldn't let her down- couldn't quit. She wouldn't want that, she was proud of his detective skills, and made sure he knew it.

It was a vivid memory, as if it was the day before. _"I do." He gaped at the beautiful site before him. Her wonderful hair, falling down her back in golden tresses like the most beautiful of waves, as he felt her small and delicate hand enveloped in his own, he noticed just how beautiful and full of life she looked with her rosy cheeks and her smile that lit up the whole room. "I do." The words he had waited to hear his whole life had been spoken by his one and only love. "I now pronounce you man and wife; you may now kiss the bride." This was it, marriage. She was the first person he wanted to kiss in the morning and the last at night. Not only that, but he wanted to wake up to her beautiful face, and most of all- when you love someone with all of your heart there's nothing left to do but get married. And he loved her with everything he had. He locked his lips against hers, and that moment was the happiest moment of his life._

No one understood. He couldn't let go, and she couldn't rest in piece- Not until he solved her murder. The clues were right in front of him, and he couldn't solve it. He felt he was a failure, no matter how many other cases he solved. The only case that truly mattered was Trudy's. He should have been the one in that car. He should have offered to get the cough drops but he didn't. He had told her he didn't want to go- though she had wanted him to. It was his fault- always would be. He'd never forgive himself.

He felt that whenever someone abandoned it was he himself who was at fault. He wasn't worth staying around for. Half the time he didn't even want to be himself- so why would anyone want to be around him? His father left, and Despite what his brother Ambrose said- it _was _his fault. He drove his father into a state of madness; his father couldn't handle him anymore-As his fathers mind slowly slipped into madness, his Mother felt her spirit slipping away out of the clutches of vitality. Ambrose and Adrian pretty much raised each other.

When Adrian moved out of the house it was no better. No one knew him, no one wanted to. He was the freak, the outcast, the victim of all of there patronizing chortles and there harsh cold words that gave him a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

That was until he met Trudy. She was kind, beautiful- she even had friends. And even though he was not the most popular of guys, she still found it in her self to except his invitation to go out on a date. Before he knew it they were engaging in conversation after conversation with no effort on his part and soon they found themselves in wedded bliss.

Then she departed from him, it certainly wasn't her choice but every time he thought of that fateful day where she would meet her untimely demise he could swear he felt his heart growing weaker and weaker as the grief filled days struck his very core like a blow to the soul.

He found himself in a catatonic state. That was until Captain Leland Stottlemeyer suggested he hire a nurse. After much persuasion he gave in, and met the women perfect for the job. Her name was Sharona Flemming- she had one child named Benji, and though she had a rough exterior she had a kind heart, and saw Adrian Monk as a friend. Not a patient as the other would have. As he had told his psychiatrist Dr. Charles Kroger, he had been drowning, and Sharona had saved him. Things went well, and he slowly began to move foreword in his life. Sharona convinced him to consult in police work- and she slowly became his assistant. After four years Sharona had decided to move to New Jersey and remarry her ex husband. This left Adrian all alone, once again he had been left.

He then found Natalie; she had one child as well, named Julie. Not only was Natalie kind and understanding- she had gone through similar pain as he had. She was a widow to her deceased husband Mitch Teeger whom had passed away after being shot down. He was an air force pilot, and lost his life for the country. Adrian started to become close to Natalie; after a while he slowly began to depend on her. He trusted her- and knew she would catch him if he fell. Though he knew it was only a matter of time until she left. Though he had feelings for Natalie- he wouldn't admit it to himself. It was 'strictly professional.'

Was he meant to be alone? He once said it was a gift and a curse. He didn't believe in that saying anymore. He was merely a curse. Nothing would change that...

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